For The First Time In A Long Time

I haven’t been able to write here since what, two days after I met the music man and we’ve been together since. I know that no relationship is perfect, I know for sure that none of my relationships have been perfect. I really wanted to trust him completely though, I really wanted him to prove me wrong and in some ways he was even fucking worse than the ex ex and hurt me more than ex mr chop.

That stupid fucker posted pictures of himself online, asked for pictures of other girls from online, was a member of three different dating sites, one of which is the infamous Ashley Madison made to cheat site. He told me it was all for porn, all to get off, just something he’s done for years and not a big deal, he would never ever cheat and never wanted to. I get it, we all have fetishes and this was his. I say was because FUCK YOU IS THAT ACCEPTABLE TO DO BEHIND MY FUCKING BACK YOU ASSHOLE.

It’s feeling especially fresh today because I guess it wasn’t just about getting pictures and getting off.

I snoop. It’s a thing and it’s a thing that started with the ex ex and his ‘other phone’ and his groupies and flirting and meg and livi and feeling like the fat boring credit card shaped girlfriend. Then I met ex mr chop and I was fine until something felt wrong and I snooped and classily he had been googling how to break up with me. Sort of downhill from there. And then the music man and his weirdly possessive friend A. Who turned out to be an ex who didn’t quite know she was an ex, making me an unknowing other woman. That was the first little crack but I did understand the situation and to the most that I could, got over it. And it wasn’t until months later that I saw the Ashley Madison thing which wasn’t actually due to snooping for a change. Finding out all about that and plenty of fish and craigslist and pictures, that was snooping.

This happened and it was in August I found out and had it out with him. Took about a week of talking and serious consideration of breaking up. I’ve since then kept my distance from his phone and computer except for moments of complete fucking weakness which he doesn’t know about. Like being told he had stopped talking to A and hadn’t. That things between them were a lot more serious than he still has yet to admit.

Back on point. Stupid fucker left his computer here and I had one of those moments, fuelled by the fact we are signing a lease tonight to live together for the next year and I am so fucking scared that I am making this huge mistake cause even though I really love him, I think that due to past behaviour, he is going to really fucking hurt me. Badly. And now I will have to deal with the disaster of a break up with someone I live with. Yeah he did the dirty pic thing, yeah he’s stupid for sometimes leaving his face in. But that stupid fucking dirty little cunt went on to craigslist and started chatting up some rando girl, being all nice and flirty and jokey over the course of several days when he was away for work. He says he would never and has never cheated and yet there are messages suggesting a meet up. All for kicks of course. THAT STUPID FUCKER WHEN HE WAS AWAY FOUND SOME CHILD ONLINE (19) AND MESSAGED HER FOR DAYS AND DAYS PRETENDING TO BE THIS SINGLE NICE GUY WHEN HE WAS WITH ME. BORED ARE YOU? THEN FUCKING MESSAGE YOUR FUCKING STUPID PATHETIC GIRLFRIEND.

AND NOW I CAN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING CAUSE WE ARE SIGNING A FUCKING LEASE TONIGHT. And if I back out, the roomie are going to be really super mad and I’ll prob end up moving back in with dad and step-beast.

So I’m basically saying that living with my boyfriend who I keep saying I’m going to be with always, is pretty much the lesser of two evils?

I love him, I really do. I know that he loves me too. I just also know on some level, I don’t think I’m enough for him and I don’t think he’s the person he’s trying to be right now. I feel like this is the Alaska version of himself, or at the least it is himself but he misses being younger and less responsible? I don’t know. Most of the time I really feel like I know who he is and then I’m reminded of what a good liar he is. And then I think of the things he’s done for me for example, addressing my crazy and wanting to work with me to actually get through it and change it instead of ignoring me (the ex ex) or breaking up with me (ex mr chop). Which is pretty huge.

And then I am reminded of what a good liar he is.

I don’t know what to do. Every relationship is flawed, everyone has their little secret. I just know that I am really good at sticking it out with the wrong person for the wrong reasons and I will be damned to go through that again.

Welcome back to reality, only took 8 months!

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