Back To What I Do Best

Woooooop wooooooooop got a job back at A.summers! Interviewed monday, first shift wednesday, first real shift saturday!

Life. I don’t know what to do. The only things I’d be staying for would be friends, hanging out, being in uni with them, going out with them, laughing, mooching on their sofa, plans for next year, their love and support. Knowing If I need them or they need me, I can just jump on a train, a bus, a coach and be with them. How can I survive another country without them?

And mum will be upset. I’m not sure how much but I know it wouldn’t be good.

It just makes so much sense. I am drifting, I am achieving nothing and literally hating myself for it. I need to get my health under control. I’m a burden. I don’t know who I am. I use to be chaity, fun and someone who would sparkle. Then I was Aaron’s girlfriend. Then I was Jay’s girlfriend and that really defined me for years, I became lost within myself. Then I was b-ri’s girlfriend and became lost in the bubble. Being with Brian made me regain a little of my sparkle but not enough. I was still so lost in really important areas of my life; uni, the direction I wanted to go. It’s like I was only truly happy in one area of my life and since he’s left I’ve had to face up to the fact that I am an aimless soul. My friends are so very important to me but I can’t depend on them to be my only source of happiness, I don’t want to drag them down with me.

Pro England: My girls; my little family, Bournemouth, moving to London, Home, Familiarity, Brian (I can’t leave it like it is), My foundations; knowing my way around, Future plans; beach break, Being in a scene I understand and where people understand me.

Con England: Health, Money, Failing Uni, Drifting, Unhappy with how things are turning out, Home, Being a burden at home, Lonely

Pro America: Fresh start, Time out to fix health, Time out to earn some money, Fresh uni start, Dad pushing me out my comfort zone, Maddie, Dad, Large extended support system, Can be anyone I choose to be, Can make a life for myself. Constantly talking about wanting to live in New York one day, this could be the way in.

Con American: No girls, No mum, No Friends, Scared, Going to butt heads with dad, Don’t want to put pressure on them over there, Feel like I’m giving up and running away from problems here. Pride?

I feel like I’m at a crossroads. The path of England would lead to: Failure, not moving out for a long time, no degree, no job, no future, no exciting future, nothing achieved, nothing really going for me, pressure on mum. Then the path of America: I would be pushed to make something of myself, part time job, uni, family connections, law school in New York or even become an English teacher and settle somewhere in America. Seeing Maddie grow up. Good diabetes control.

I so do not want to have this conversation with mum. I just don’t know how to explain any of this without making it seem like I’m blaming her or anything because I don’t at all, she’s a great mum who has supported me in so many ways, I just need something different now.

I don’t know if I would be able to make it work. What if I’m just the same old pathetic self over there? I’d be relying a lot on dad to push me. Just until I was able to push myself again. And would I even want to do law? I’m a writer! But who’s to say I can’t do that on the side? And one day, after I’ve made a bunch of money doing law, use that to support me writing? I just don’t see myself becoming anything other than a nobody relying on the dole. I don’t want that, I want a career, security, a family.

What if dad doesn’t want me. What if it’s too much of a burden? What if I missed my chance?


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