Where Do I Go From Here?

The pain is constant and untraceable. Dad doesn’t believe that its real and then gets angry when I don’t tell him about it. He thinks I’m making it up to a point, that its not that bad and partially in my head. I don’t know what to do with that, I don’t know how to make him understand how tired I am, how worried I am, how pissed off I am! Pissed off that this was supposed to be my big move and my big chance to change and for things to be better and instead I am so tired and hurt and unmotivated to get my new life really going because all I can do is think about the pain. Without pain meds I can barely move, I can barely breathe, my vision goes black and the only release I have is to cry and scream in silence. Dad says it can’t be that bad because he doesn’t see me in that much pain. He then says all I do is hide in my room. Somehow, he doesn’t make the connection that he hardly sees me in pain because I deal with the worst of it in my room and my room is the one place that I can be somewhat comfortable because I can lay down with a heat pad and cry and let the pain show. He goes on and on about needing to work more, work more jobs, push myself more. He doesn’t understand that I am already pushing myself, working so hard to push through the pain and not let it stop me from working. He doesn’t see me at work needing to take a break just to lay down or trying to hide the pain and tears from customers and managers. Yeah I understand, the CT showed nothing, the bloods said no Cushings, the Lyrica seems to be ineffective, there is no known medical reason for the pain. I understand that. But WHY would I be faking this bullshit? WHY would I be trying to make it seem worse? If I’m lying then I am pretty freaking consistent to the point of being a sociopath because its the same shit all the time. I wish he would consider that.

Another job interview today for full time hours I think. I so can’t be bothered I’m not even slightly nervous, just kind of slightly annoyed that I have to go. Its not that I don’t want a job or full time hours, I am just so tired of crappy jobs that have no relevance to a career, I just feel like I’m putting in a lot of effort for something meaningless.

Time to get a move on


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