Due to the death of my pod I have had to remember the 90% of the music on it that I ‘borrowed’ from people and download it myself. I have been doing this since yesterday afternoon and I still have around 100 albums left to do (maybe a bit more) and only 3gb left to play with. I have come to the realisation that I really am going to have to invest in an external drive to put everything on and am going to need another classic pod and not a flimsy touch.
I thought the depression tabs were working. I certainly seem a lot happier and like I have a sense of humour again. But I keep having these little meltdowns at night, like the smallest thing will set me off. For example, I was going through my old laptop last night trying to see if it would still work and if I could get my itunes running and there was all this old stuff to do with ex mr chop and the ex ex; pictures and diary entries and old msn conversations. The other night it wasn’t anything in particular, I just had an episode. I’m just hoping that I’m not developing a resistance to the pills already!
Had a very public display sunday evening. Was fun, always nice to get to the beach aha. I just feel like maybe this isn’t me; I don’t want to be responsible for hurting anyone, I don’t want to think of myself as a bit of a slag, I don’t want to be seen as a bit of a slag. I don’t want anything relationship wise from him anymore which is really good cause otherwise I could see me getting very very hurt but I do think I feel a sort of possession? I don’t want them to move in to a place together, I don’t want them to get married but at the same time I think he should have a healthy relationship with her and do those things because I don’t want those things anymore. I don’t mean just with him but with anyone; I’m still to messed up over ex mr chop and I don’t see that changing any time soon. I guess I’m thinking that if he needs to be in a relationship I should be the friend I feel I am and help with that instead of helping to mess it up.
But then that means losing whatever it is that were doing which is something I look forward to and enjoy. So I suppose it all depends on how selfish I am and do I stay selfish or do I practice a bit of will power for a change and earn back some karmic points? I’m only questioning this cause after a mass chat with moo she made some really good points like how long is this going to go on for? Cause it seems like it could go on forever and really, how practical is that? And also, yeah of course she’s worried about me but also what about him? Is it messing with his head? Or is it really just black and white to him, love her and sex with me? From the things he’s said about feeling all trapped and how everyone wants a piece of him I just feel like I’m taking up time and energy he could be using to concentrate on the life he’s choosing to live in or even time and energy he could be using to concentrate on himself.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh beach break is soooooooooooooooooo close!!!