Closing The Door

It’s now coming up to the 4 month break up mark and I’ve come to the conclusion that its just getting pathetic now, I need to stop thinking about him, I need to stop feeling so sad. So for the past few weeks I have been totally lying to myself and had actually managed to start believing in the lie.

Moo, Lezzer, myself and a few others had planned on going out to lava tomorrow night and then a few days ago found out that all the Imps were going out to get trashed and would most likely end up in lava which meant a more than 90% chance of running in to the ex. Oh I’m fine it might actually help me to get over him by seeing him ignore me in the flesh blah blah, is what I said. I even managed to carry on with that spiel for a couple of days but moo, thank god and bless her heart, totally called me out on it. She knew I wasn’t ready for that hurt, she knows I still love him and she made me face up to my own bullshit.

It was a bit of a harsh blow realising that I haven’t been getting over how I feel, I’ve just been stuffing it down and plastering a smile on my face. Even though the signs were still there, still can’t sleep, still so sad, still can’t look at his pictures, still can’t think of him without missing him so much. Still can’t think of us without being so sure this was such a mistake.

The thing thats making my head spin is, I think he misses me as well. I know he still has evidence not just of us but of how much he loved me around. He doesn’t know that I know that. I know he still thinks about me. I know that this doesn’t mean anything, when he left he said he would miss me. But in my head, in my heart, I can’t help but wonder, does he miss me like I miss him? Does he wonder if he made a mistake? Has he been lying to himself like I’ve been doing? Has he been avoiding me because he knows he can’t lie to my face?

I think thats what I need. I need him to tell me to my face, look in to my eyes and tell me. It would hurt a lot but thats what I need. Thats why I still wanted to go out tomorrow night. But moo was right, I’m not ready for that. I don’t think he understands, I haven’t seen or spoken (properly) to him since he left and its made it that much harder to move on, to not have that closure. It doesn’t feel real, all I’ve been left with are these unanswered questions.

Blah.

Advertisements

I Will Always Care

Sometimes I feel like I’m back to square one and I just can’t stop this overwhelming sadness. I think back to everything that was said, promises we made and I just hate the way its all turned out. I hate that I’m sick and can’t talk to him about it or about any of the fun, crazy stuff thats been going on. I hate that I can’t be there for him when things are stressing him out and its been driving me mad, I don’t understand why I still care! But I do. He was my friend before anything else and I am just one of those people who never really forgets that. Even with people who have really hurt me or let me down or heck accused me of stealing when I never did, I still would be there for them if they needed me. I would still want to turn it around if I could.

Everyone has this perception of me being this cold, moody person who doesn’t like people and yeah, I do think a lot of people do some really stupid things and are generally a pain in my ass, but every single person who has ever touched my life will always be in my heart. I have to put on that cold persona because it is far too easy for me too start caring about them. This is why I put everyone ahead of me, this is why I put myself out there again and again.

I miss my friend, a lot. Nothing more than that, just being able to talk to my friend.

Shorty Got Lowe, Lowe, Lowe, Lowe…

Mmmm Zane Lowe good times at the old firestation tonight, he is quite the fitty.

Felt quite ill again though, the ol’ body is just not loving any sort of alcohol. Bad times! Sort of trying to ignore the warning signs but it is becoming more and more obvious that I am not a hugely healthy girl. Some test results would be nice!

One Year…Epic Fail

Today was the dreaded and not meant to be one year anniversary and like any intelligent girl I knew that I was going to have to keep busy or I would be sat around feeling sorry for myself. So persuaded moo to come to sub focus/benga night at the old firestation for a night of awesome dubness and brain cloudyness.

Except after one whole single freaking drink I started feeling very rough, threw up in the toilet and had to go back to the house.

Ended up having really good chats with moo though which is probably what I needed more than anything so maybe not such an epic fail?

Dreading The First Run In

It is getting closer and closer to the time we’re going to run in to each other. I can feel it and I know I’m not going to handle it well.

I want to come back to Bournemouth. I miss it, I just want to go home, live with my people I know, just be back! I’m so grateful to my mum for letting me move back to Southampton but everything I am is in Bournemouth.

I feel like its not getting easier. I feel like every day instead of missing you less I miss you more and i just want it to be easier now! You think I want to feel like this?? You think I want hurt like this? You think I don’t wish every second of every day I could be over this?

Doesn’t make sense

How can I be soo sure how right we are together and meant for each other and you can be soo sure that we’re not? How can I be such a mess and you don’t even feel bad about it let alone miss me?

I have such a craving to talk to you! we went 10months talking to each other every day, seeing each other basically every day, living together to nothing! Yeah I want hugs and cuddles and kisses but I also want my friend! I want to chat and tell stories about whats been going on.

I’ve accepted you want nothing to do with me, I’m just finding it so hard, you always told me we would still be friends and of course it was going to take time to get to that place but you did the worst possible thing and just completely cut me out. A friend would have helped me through this anyway they could, not be horrible and ignore my existence.

I still can’t believe you could just walk away from us

Ready?

I have a date tomorrow and I’m not going to lie, I am totally 100% definitely NOT ready for it! I am so heavy yet empty inside and I don’t want to go. I don’t want to be with someone or try and make an effort with someone who isn’t you. I can’t do this, I can’t start again because I just want my boyfriend back and its so pointless! Such a waste of time wanting you back and waiting for you so why shouldn’t I move on? Its not fair to start anything, even one date with someone when I’m still in love with someone else.

But I will be damned if I stay the lonely heartbroken girl and I will be damned if I’m going to sit here still pining away while you’re out there getting with other girls.