Gah, No!

I don’t think I can do it! I don’t think I can sit across from ex mr chop and him being all loved up and pretend that I don’t care, even for an hour. I definitely can not sit across from him for the first time since we broke up and pretend that or do that with someone else there. I don’t think my brain and mouth will connect in a workable fashion. Maybe seeing him isn’t in the cards yet, maybe I’m still not ready for that. I also think its a bunch of bullshit, you can’t be my friend on facebook but you want me to meet you and be friendly in the real world?! I know that on some (or all) levels I am being a fucktarded nutcase and thinking way too much in to things, trust me when I say I fucking hate that I do this but I just know that the wall I built up not to keep anyone out but to block myself from certain feelings, has a real chance of crumbling if I see him. It would have been easier if I was in a relationship but I’m not and I don’t think it’s fair that he has that extra layer of protection! I don’t want to be the sad single one who can’t seem to make it work with anyone else. Also there is a very huge chance that I may throw myself at him seeing as I still haven’t had as good sex since I was with him. I hate that my vagina is also against me. Haha.

Bomo tonight!! Was talking all night last night with loverr and treacle about sunday, am SO excited to see them! Need to make new years plans as well, moo wants to do this family thing that I’m invited to but I feel like it’s all couples who I don’t know and as much as I love moo, I kind of want to get drunk and stupid with the possibility of finding a new years kiss. But at the same time I know I’d have a lovely time with moo, even if I feel like I’m kind of crashing (which is the main thing).



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