I was thinking about this in all my misery and shiz, about how even being here and even years later ex mr chop has managed to stay a tangible presence in my life and I came to the conclusion that the fault lay with…..Facebook. Yes, that fucking huge all powerful social media tool which allows for snooping and keeping tabs on people in all its picture, new relationship status glory. Over the years any sort of information we have found out on each other has been because of facebook creeping. Adding each other, deleting each other, blocking each other, messaging each other and starting the cycle again; because of facebook. Not just with ex mr chop either, this isn’t a social media tool, this is just a way to creep on people and not be arrested for it! I get that it is my choice to snoop and my choice to look on things I shouldn’t and add people and talk to people. But it is really fucking hard not to when the person you shouldn’t be creeping on and talking to is the one fucking person in the world that you want!!
So I deactivated my account. Cold turkey, can’t snoop, can’t keep tabs, can’t make myself so upset that by 3am I am texting him from another fucking country because it hurts too much to hold it in anymore. I figure that a lot of the time the checking up and snooping is more habit just like when you automatically login to facebook as soon as your fingers hit a keyboard or as soon as you swipe to the app. So I’m going to give it a week or two and I figure after not giving in to the habit maybe I’ll be able to get back on my account. I would just try the whole blocking thing but I can only do it for a few days and then the tempation is too much. I can reactivate my account easily as well but if I can’t get on facebook at all I feel like the temptation will be less.
Christ I can’t believe I texted him. I was just so very sad! I wanted to let him know that I get it, he has moved on, what he said back in September doesn’t count anymore, it doesn’t mean what it did back then and any sort of hope or expection or anything that I was holding on to is….gone. Its that whole gone thing which I think finally hit me before bed. Its done with now. I was thinking, does that mean it is actually done with or am I supposed to still try and go and see and fight. I will never ever forget about the time when he broke up with me that one night for that one night and said how he heard footsteps outside D’s place and thought it was me and hoped it was me. I didn’t run after him really when he left me here, I didn’t run after him when I was home and maybe that was my mistake. I just always thought that because he was the one to leave me that the running or chasing should be up to him. Maybe I was too blind then to realise that if you really believe in something, pride should never ever get in the way. That it doesn’t matter who makes the move as long as someone does!
It’s too bad that these realisations come too late and at a price I don’t ever think I will get over.
I was talking to chick and I was saying how I am totally 50/50 inside. Half of me wants him to be happy and to love and to be in a relationship with someone who can make him feel fulfilled. The other half of me hopes to fucking christ its a fad that will be over in the next couple of weeks. That half of me is totally in denial because I know him! I know that he would never put it up on facebook unless he was dead certain about it and wanted it. He would never make it official unless she really made him happy. So there it is. Its knowing this that made me break down and at 3am send a text with the implicit message of, I get it and I won’t be pestering you or trying to make trouble when I’m home. Not saying that I could anyway but I wouldn’t even try. Because I love him. And I want him to be happy.
I just really wish that, that could have been with me.
Stupid fucker, you really had to meet someone literally weeks before I came home?! GAH!