Window To The Soul

The saying goes that the eyes are the window to the soul. I personally think that’s a bunch of bollocks, mass consumption of alcoholic beverages are the eyes to the soul. Think about it, in all relationships when you go out drinking with your partner, you are one of three types of couple. There is the new couple who haven’t been together very long, tend to be all over each other and drunkenly get in to the ‘you’re so wonderful, no you’re so wonderful’ type of conversation. The next type are those who have been together a while and have, at that moment in time, no issues or unresolved arguments and so are able to function as normal members of society. Then there is lovely couple number three who start off ok, then argue about something small and then culminate in to the girlfriend crying in the corner and  the guy…well generally he’s just confused.

Boyf and I are luckily in the first category at the moment (as opposed to the third stage which, having done that A LOT already, I am more than happy to stay away from). Except that he was drunk off his tits and I was sober, which was fine cause it means I had enough wits about me to ask the questions that I haven’t yet and get him to open up to me in a way he hasn’t yet. This would probably be called manipulation by some and by some I mean guys.

I have been worried a lot about the future and this is partly due to how I was screwed over before in the past and partly because I am a long term thinker who likes to be prepared. Knowing boyf goes away really soon makes my stomach clench and I’ve been thinking a lot about it and what is going to happen between us, am I going to hear from him, is he going to miss me, does he want us to break up before he leaves, is this thing with me and him not as real as I think it to be cause in his head does he have an expiration date on us…the crazy goes on and on an on. So as is my habit, when he drunkenly said that I’m the only girl he thinks about, I automatically went uh huh, yeah right. He did not appreciate that at all and started a big ol’ drunk speech about how it’s true, how much I mean to him, how much he likes me, how he has never felt this way about a girl,  how amazing I am yadayada. Nice to hear but then he started talking about the summer and I did actually say to him a few times that I didn’t want to talk about that right then cause he was drunk and I would just have a hard time believing that he meant anything. Again, he didn’t seem to appreciate that and went for it anyway. Fine by me so I put it out there, the things I’ve been thinking about and he told me he didn’t want to break up and didn’t want to lose me, that the PDA stuff isn’t about being ashamed of me or anything and that he is trying, he just feels uncomfortable as if people are judging him or something, that he really likes having me around. He knows that I’m really nervous about having this relationship with him because of past shiz and seems like he really wants to show me that he’s not like that. He kept saying how he’s not going anywhere and would never intentionally hurt me. Which I shot down actually, I told him that generally people don’t intend to hurt other people but it happens and it can happen badly and that scares me.

I wonder if arch enemy had to counsel the ex ex through any of this stuff? Hmm.

I told him that he needs to meet me halfway with the PDA thing because it is important to me. I told him that he needs to worry less about having issues because we all fucking have them, it’s not just him. I told him that its a really big deal for me to be trying with him and that makes him special. That he never has to feel uncomfortable with me because I won’t ever judge him and its true, I’m not going to write him off when I am chock-a-block full of my own mound of issues. I said that I like just being with him and he seemed kind of surprised at that, I don’t think he thought that I like him just for him, that obviously yeah I do a bit but mainly for the sex I guess? Which made me kind of mad, look at how hard I work trying to spend time with him in situations where there is no way we could hook up. But then look at how I tend to have to flake on situations where he just wants me to hang out with him and his friends. Not because I don’t want to be there but generally family responsibilities. Like tonight, I feel so bad!! He got this game in and I way encouraged him to get people over to play and enough people to do teams, he did, it ended up being a couples night and I was actually looking forward to it but after all the drama dad is going through, it was more important for me to bail and spend some time with dad. He was totally understanding and I know that his family would come first for him, I just feel bad that once again his girlfriend is totally letting him down. Last night was this event his Engineering society was doing and he said that I should come but I had the kids and then I didn’t have the kids but I still hadn’t showered or anything so I said that I’d meet them at the bar and when I get there, every guy had his girlfriend who had shown up to the event in support and they were all dressed up in cocktail dresses and there I am, late and in jeans! (skinnies but still!). And then I bail on tonight?? Bad girlfriend. Ergh, guilt!! It was kind of awkward actually, everyone kept saying how next year I should come and what are our future plans, is he going to come to Seattle with me when I go to Law school, would he go to England with me. We were looking at each other like ummm we’ve been official for a few weeks, who the fuck knows?? Gah, people!

In the end it was a good night. I actually had his good friend that it’s not only nice to see him with someone but for him to be with someone as nice as me. It always helps to have friend approval!


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