Strange Strange Times

Boyfriend. I haven’t had a real honest to god boyfriend since ex mr chop. It feels really weird to be honest, I’ve been single for so long and fought against having feelings for anyone so hard, that to have given in and let go gives me the sensation of falling. I know I really like him, obviously since I’m in a relationship with him, I just don’t know if I like him enough for it to really go anywhere or if I like him enough for it just to be something for now. In the back of my mind all I can think about is the summer and whats the point in becoming invested in someone who is going away for 3-4months in about 2months? Were too new, were not strong enough to survive a long distance thing, I don’t even think I believe in long distance things. Or am I just doing my usual look ahead and freak thing. Should I just be enjoying this for what it is for as long as I have it and not worry about whats to come. Thing is I’ve never been like that, I always look ahead to judge whether something is right for me and worth my time. Hes never had a serious girlfriend or even a longish term girlfriend. That’s all I’ve ever been! I don’t know how to have a non-serious relationship but I don’t think that’s what he wants? I’m still not one to make a guess at what he wants from me or is thinking, I still don’t really know him. We still don’t really know each other. Except sometimes I think he knows me better than I think he does whereas I feel like I only know surface stuff about him. I thought he wouldn’t want to publicise our relationship and instead he was hurt cause he thought that it was me who didn’t want to. I thought he was only in it for sex and instead he’d been waiting for me to show interest in taking it to the next level. He knows what coffee I drink, I don’t know his?! That was a surprise. He knew I was hanging yesterday and found me in the library and had gotten me my coffee. I was shocked. I didn’t realise he’d been paying that close attention.  I already feel like a bad girlfriend and we’ve only been official for about a week!!

I’m just so scared. I’m scared of hurting him, I’m scared of letting him down, I’m scared of becoming attached to him, I’m scared that I won’t meet his expectations of me, I’m scared that I’m so use to being single and alone and independent that I won’t be able to be a girlfriend. I even tried scaring him off already by being all ‘being a boyfriend is a totally different set of responsibilities blah blah’. No dice. I’m also wondering if I’m trying to use this to hurt ex mr chop. The whole nany nany boo boo, I win, I’ve moved on with a real relationship. Except is it a real relationship if I’m using it as a victory or is that a natural after effect, the whole winning thing. I know I need to chill out and relax about this whole thing, I know I do. I just can’t help it, I hate not knowing, I hate how unsure about things I still am. The whole non-pda thing is not helping either. I am a person who makes a connection through being physical. We haven’t had sex in an age and now I can’t cause I’m on my fucking cycle (on one hand phew on the other, irritating as fuck) and at uni I’m so unsure how to be around him. I can’t be affectionate, I can’t be physical. I don’t even get hugs. I’m not asking for him to eat me out in the middle of the library, I’m not asking for make out sessions, I don’t even want the whole hand holding thing (which yeah, would also be nice once in a while). But a hug? A hand on the knee? Something, anything?! That would be nice. I don’t know how I’m supposed to build a connection with him if I can’t physically connect with him.

Or this is all just really stupid and I’m making problems out of nothing so I can feel justified in pushing him away.


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