Oh No

I didn’t think I did but I might, just might, care about mexican man. Oh no oh no oh no oh no. I don’t want feelings for him! Its a completely impossible situation, there is no time to have a boyfriend, there is no want of a boyfriend, there is no desire on his end to become a boyfriend. This all came about today after I tried to get rid of the exclusive thing by having a talk and instead, as I was talking, realised that I don’t want to get rid of the exclusive thing, that I like the exclusive thing and actually what I want is for him to want to be my boyfriend so that I have a legit reason to get closer to him. Maybe. Still on the fence about this. I felt like I might have hurt his feelings today. I’m so wary about putting any sort of pressure on him, I don’t want him to feel obligated to me in any sort of way at all, even in a small way. Because ex mr chop blamed me for him choosing me over other things. Because I tried to get the ex ex to choose me from the start of the relationship and I think it pushed him away (note: I don’t take responsibility to ex mr chop cause I was always trying to get him to hang out with his friends, I never made him feel bad about choosing shit over me and I even heard after we broke up that people thought he was a bad friend cause he was always bailing on shit). So yeah, I’ve learned my lesson that the more apparent it is that you want to be an important person to someone, the less likely it is to happen. So now its all about keeping my cards close to my chest and letting it be all their idea. I’m just worried that maybe I’m never going to be important enough for a guy to make me a priority. Which is kind of the point I was trying to get across to mexican man; if its never going to be anything serious, then what is the point to being exclusive? I couldn’t get out exactly what I wanted to say though cause its harsh and there is so much back-story to why I’m thinking and feeling like this.

I don’t make him laugh. Its like how it was with the ex ex, we have stuff to talk about but I don’t really make him laugh. I made ex mr chop laugh, we made each other laugh a lot. I miss that. Its really hard to banter with someone who is from a different culture, who doesn’t get Brit humour or sarcasm. But that’s fine, ex mr chop is the only guy I’ve ever been with who actually made me laugh so I’m not judging from that. I am worried that I don’t make him laugh though?

What am I doing again?

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