I feel like sticking my fingers in my ears and going lalalalala I can’t hear you but then at the same time I literally want to shake information out of this guy! Our mutual friend is telling me that he thinks there’s a chance? That its worth finding out? I feel like he knows more than he’s letting on and its driving me crazy! I tell him that the worst part is living with any sort of hope and then he dumps a truckload of it on me. And its so fucking painful because I just KNOW he’s wrong and I KNOW it will come to nothing but now I can’t stop thinking and hoping and wishing and that fucking aching crater in my chest that I try so hard to ignore is indescribable. The way I feel when shit like this happens is indescribable; it tears everything open again, everything that I work so hard at trying to forget or hide all bubbles to the surface and to the world I am the same, I am calm, I am happy and inside I am screaming. This is why it was dangerous to still talk to the mutual friend, this is why I have made sure to not talk about ex mr chop to the mutual friend.
So no more, just stop