Well, That Sucked

Last week I got this lump in the side of my face and so toddled off to the docs who gave me some antibiotics and was told to go back in Monday to have a look. Went back in to today where doc kindly informs me he is going to stick a massive needle in my face to numb the area and then a different massive needle to drain the lump (blocked salivary gland as it turns out) and then if that didn’t work he would stick another massive needle in to numb it a bit more and then would scalpel open my face to take it out. None of this worked in the end and I have to go to a different doc tomorrow cause they need to cut in deeper and first doc didn’t want to cause “there are lots of nerves in the face and I don’t want to accidentally paralyze you”. Umm cheers for the casual reference to paralyzing me?!

It really hurt and it REALLY hurts right now and am kinda dreading going in tomorrow (hopefully they are going to knock me out and then it will just be like my wisdom teeth and I’ll just wake up and go home). The worst part wasn’t the fact it hurt though, it was the fact I was there, legit shaking and tearing up (ok, crying but in a silent I’m trying to be strong so ignore me kind of way), all alone. I didn’t have anyone to hold my hand, I didn’t have anyone to tell me it was going to be ok. I really missed my mum at that point. She basically came to every doc thing with me and would talk for me when I couldn’t and would yell at people who hurt me and would hold my hand and sit in A&E for HOURS just so I wouldn’t be alone. I know I’m not a kid anymore, I am an adult who is perfectly capable of going to the doctor alone. I just REALLY hate the doctors and this place smelled like being in hospital and I hate people sticking needles in me (doing my own shots is fine, it’s not the needle, it’s the fact I’m not the one in control of it) and I hate pain. Doctor surgeries actually scare me cause I always have something that is going on and always have to submit to some sort of procedure and I just feel so fucking helpless.

I hate that it was really scary and I had to do it alone and no one has even thought to give me a hug. I don’t want attention or babying, just a quick hug. I know that mum would have given me a hug and I’m really sad that she wasn’t here

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