Moo knows me pretty fucking well by now and I know that talking shiz through with her pretty much sorts my head out about issues (and vice versa when its her turn to have a melt down) and I finally opened up about this smallish problem I’ve been having recently.
I’ve been having a problem where I will be fine first meeting a guy, giving out my number and texting. But the SECOND it comes to a first date or a voice to voice phone conversation, I freak the fuck out. I get so nervous I feel sick, I will ignore my phone and the worst thing is, I will make plans for the first date or drink or whatever and then bail. Generally last second. Yeah, I’m that girl and I suck hardcore.
Anyway, I’ve been spouting off that I don’t want a relationship, I don’t want a boyfriend, I don’t want the responsibilities or the drama and I just don’t want to be with anyone cause guys are evil and untrustworthy and basically want to just get laid and then fuck you over. Which in my opinion does still have a margin of truth to some guys. I haven’t quite admitted to me doing this and being this girl to anyone, not really even myself, until yesterday when talking to moo where I just laid it all on the line. This is where I came to the face palming conclusion that yes I do have trust issues with guys and hurting me blah blah but its actually me that I don’t trust in a panic terrified kind of way. I keep saying oh no relationship blah blah but all the guys I’m meeting are freaks and want it blah blah so I’m going to stay away from the guys. Except actually, I am bum clenchingly, sick inducing, white-chick-in-a-scary-movie petrified that its going to be me wanting more, wanting the relationship, wanting to be with the guy, wanting to make time for the guy, wanting to let the guy in.
This is where all the troubles start right?? Letting a person in? And I know me, I’ve never been the one night stand girl or the conquest girl or even the girl who can keep her head when falling for someone. I fall hard and fast and I always always give everything I have.
So, I avoid putting myself in situations where there is potential because I know that I will go for it and want to try and then the circle of shit starts again. The best way in my mind to stay out of trouble, is to stay out of trouble and I guess until I get over the fear of losing me and myself (again) or until I know I can control myself and the situation I’m in, I’m just going to keep ‘putting myself out there’…but not really.