And He Makes Five

Ok, so I did it, I slept with writer boy. I don’t really have much to say about it to be honest. I didn’t cry. I felt kind of sad I guess. I don’t know. I felt really conflicted before, I even emailed ex mr chop I was feeling that uncertain about what the right thing would be. I love ex mr chop. I don’t see that changing and I don’t want to make someone fall for me when I will never fall for them in the same way. I didn’t know if it would be an ok thing to sleep with writer boy if my heart and head is with someone else and I just wanted ex mr chop to tell me it was ok basically. But of course he never replied and I knew he wouldn’t and I’m kind of glad cause it is none of his business and I’m mad at myself for involving him when I shouldn’t have. I won’t be doing that again.

So, sex with writer boy. It has potential. I think it was just the whole awkward first time thing with someone new that’s kind of freaked me out. Nothing like TV guy (baha now that was an awful freak out). Erghhhh ok so it’s already started, he wanted me to stay the night and cuddle and spoon and I’m all ICK NO!! First off, WASH YOUR SHEETS AND I MIGHT THINK ABOUT IT!! Also, do not tell me stories about mice and shit in your room. Also don’t CONSTANTLY talk about your ex and have her name stickered on your laptop and expect me to want to snuggle.

I DON’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP. I DO NOT WANT A BOYFRIEND. SERIOUSLY, WTF??? I thought guys my age only wanted girls to hook up with. I thought guys didn’t call or txt when they said they would, I thought there were 3 day rules, I thought after a hook up guys just wanted you to go. These are all the stories I’ve heard so how the shitting hell do I keep ending up meeting the guys who want to get all close and cuddly and relationship couply???

I think if I let myself I could really like him. I’m just completely balking at the whole being part of a couple thing. Especially as we are both totally dysfunctional. Especially as I know he’s not the one and will never be anything serious to me. I kind of hope he realises that before he gets in further with me. Or at least, I hope he feels the same about me.

Bah. Happy to have been laid though!

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