Bitter Sweet

So, nearly 2 years after he walked out I finally got my wish of him admitting that it was the worst mistake of his life, that he has never stopped thinking about me and that I was right. About everything. I thought knowing this would make me happy. I thought that after he said this, everything else would fall in to place and work out and we would be happy again.

Its a bit crushing to realise that it changes nothing except now I feel more lonely than before because now I know, if I hadn’t stayed out here, I would be there and we would be in the same place. I didn’t need to regret another part of my life and now I do.

My fantasy would be him moving heaven and earth to be with me. I would do it for him but after everything that’s happened, after his massive cock-up, after me sorting so much of myself out, he needs to be the one to put it back together. I would have him make the grand gesture and fly out without telling me, turning up, sweeping me off my feet. We would make the long distance thing work for a bit until he could come over here. We would rebuild us in to something better, stronger. I honestly feel like, if he is actually going through the same stuff as me, is having to work as hard to forget me as I’ve been trying to forget him, if he loves me like I love him, we could make this work. It would take time and effort and it would be hard. But it would also be wonderful. Then I have to remind myself, this fantasy is going to end just as bitterly as when I was convinced he would turn up to the airport when I flew home.

This win does not feel like a win at all


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