Confucious

My head is really confused. In mexico I realised that the me and ex ex thing was soooooo fucking stupid and even thinking about him now disgusts me. I also realised that it would be nice to like someone again, to have those tummy flips and that I miss feeling that. And now I’m wondering maybe I stopped missing ex mr chop a long time ago and that I just miss the memory of being in love and of who we were. Having him back on my facebook hasn’t been the awful heartbreaking thing I thought it would be. Yeah some things have made me sad like facebook saving the past things we said to each other before. I clicked on ‘friend history’ and the whole lead up to us being together and a bit after is all there. It made me miss my friend too. And then today, for the first time since the day after he walked out, he started to talk to me over facebook chat. I’ve been dreading that a bit, every time I see him come up on my friends list its made me heart jump a bit. But it wasn’t actually bad, I didn’t feel sad or out of control. I felt more curious as to what was going to be said and it was just a typical boring conversation. He called me dudette which is what he use to call me before we got together and I wanted to reply with cuntchops because thats what I would have said back in the day but I didn’t cause….were not those people anymore, we don’t have that relationship anymore. I think I’m finally, really, getting to the point where I am realising I really do need to move on. I haven’t wanted to because letting myself have feelings for someone else means really saying goodbye to him and its been hard cause I’ve been comparing every guy I meet to him and coming up with stupid reasons to not be with them. Moo is moving on, treacle is moving on, ex mr chop moved on, the ex ex moved on. I need to move on as well.

It’s time. Isn’t it?

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