The Big 1

It has officially been a year now since ex mr chop randomly up and left. Exactly a year ago that I was in this room; a broken shell who couldn’t stop crying and began to have serious insomnia issues. Exactly a year that I was laying on this bed praying that he would just stay away for this night and in the morning would call me, telling me he made a mistake and wanted to come back. This time last year I felt so sick I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t think about anything but the fact that the guy I was completely in love with, who I had brought to my dads home in America to meet my family, the first guy I had trusted enough to bring in to my family like that, who had told me hours earlier how much he loved me and who I had told that I was so happy he was here with me, turned around and left. He just left. I feel like I have been half the person I use to be since then. This time last year was the first day for the next year where I could actually feel that my heart was broken and its a pain that hasn’t gone away yet. It has dulled and it is now manageable but its not gone. Break ups happen but in that one moment I lost my best friend, my lover, my boyfriend and the first person I trusted with my whole being that would never hurt me, who would always want the best for me like I wanted the best for him. A whole year and even now he can’t bear to even be my friend a little. He can be friends with his ex who cheated on him and broke his heart but he can’t even be my friend a little bit. He was my best friend. My best fucking friend. And since he walked out a year ago I’ve seen him exactly twice, in brief passing. Its been hard because first I had to get over losing him as my boyfriend, the guy I lived with, the guy I was going to live with again, the guy I came to America with and then I had to get over losing him as my friend. He promised. He promised that we would always stay friends. And he couldn’t even do that.

I wasn’t important enough, good enough, enough in any way. I’m still not. I don’t blame him for leaving me, I would have just dragged him down

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