I was at work yesterday, my fifth AM shift in a row for this week, it was near the end of my shift and I realised that I’m happy. I really like my job, I really like the people I work with, I really like interacting with all the different guests and I feel like I’m getting me back, getting back that confidence and spark and it feels really really good. I always thought I was really shit at making conversation with people I didn’t know and I always thought that I was so shy when I first met people that I gave off a rather stilted impression but here I am, jumping right in, talking to anyone and everyone, making new friends all the time, finding people to banter with. I haven’t given off a bad first impression, I’ve managed to be this person people like! And it is really satisfying to be working, knowing that I’m making money and having fun doing it. I feel a LOT less stressed and a lot more comfortable with myself and its weird but truly amazing because I thought I was lost. I thought I had lost me forever and I wanted to die. I had given up on myself completely, I was so very tired. Its a really odd thing to start realising you are worth something and that life isn’t that dark and scary and I can do this. I can be a part of the real world and be accepted and not have to be afraid, that I can cope.
Its been a long time since I thought I could cope. And I haven’t even been taking my anti bitching pills for a month and a bit