I think women can be complicated creatures as each one of us is so utterly different that sometimes I can’t really blame men for being confused. Like myself, I know whilst a lot of me isn’t particularly hard to figure out there are certain aspects that I don’t even get. I have a habit of changing my mind over how I feel and what I want every single day; with life, with the ex ex, about ex mr chop. One day I can be 100% sure that I want to move to America and start again. Then the next day I just can’t see it. Thats not an overly complicated situation as there are only two avenues I can take; either I go and stay or I go and come back.
But then there is the ex ex and oh dear, the amount of times I have thought one way about him and then changed it to another is even beginning to drive myself mad (poor moo, she also takes the brunt of this). Sometimes I feel like he is my friend who I care about and who I think could do better for himself. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea who he truly is, can make no assumptions or opinions about his life and he wouldn’t value those thoughts anyway cause all I am is sex. Sometimes I feel he cares a lot more about me than he even admits to himself and vice versa. Sometimes I get sad that he’s with her and she’s the one who now gets to do the fun things with him and go to his gigs, stand in the crowd watching and feeling so proud. And sometimes I couldn’t care less. One day I think I love him and miss us being together so much and the next I don’t and realise what we had was only real for me, not for him therefore not real at all. Sometimes I get angry that I wasted so much of my time and love on someone who didn’t love me back and I still want to punish him for it. I know he wasn’t in love with me cause a little while ago I asked if he had actually ever been in love and he went quiet for a while and had to think about it before saying yeah I think so. You know if you’ve been in love, its not something you have to think about so thats how I know he wasn’t in love with me. I’m pretty sure the person he was referring to was abby before she broke up with him the first time out of the blue. I guess in a way its a relief to know he never really felt that way about me cause it means I’m not going to waste my life being with someone who doesn’t see me, cause I was totally prepared to spend my life with him.
Ex mr chop is also complicated. I hate him. I hate every single fucking piece of that little illiterate untalented bullshitting dick. The very thought of him makes rage in my stomach. But, if I think to hard about him, if a song that reminds me of him comes on, if something funny that I know he would appreciate happens, if I hear anything to do with IMPs, if I play guitar hero, if I see a midget (I think I’ve made my point), I still cry, I still feel the hurt, I still feel the loss, I still think you stupid fucking idiot why did you leave. It doesn’t happen to much anymore, just an every so often thing but as much as I wish he would vanish I also miss him. I am so excited about beach break and being with the girls and moo and I know we will have an amazing time but I will miss him. It was ex mr chop who introduced me to beach break, it was him I went with for my first time and I will be a bit sad that he won’t be there this time. Not so much that its going to affect my time there or take away from my enjoyment, to be honest I’ll probably forget all about the bum when were there but right now, I am a bit sad.
Like I said, complicated woman here!