That Time Of Year Again

So with the summer approaching the inevitable fight over seeing dad begins. Well in reality the fight begins as soon as the plane lands after the previous visit has ended but the real drama always begins around this time.

It sucks. Every year, every year being made to feel shit, like a terrible hurtful unfeeling messed up weak daughter. Tired of getting it in the neck from both mum AND dad. Tired of it being made in to a war of who the better parent is, who the ‘kids’ are choosing. I’m tired of having to deal with mum’s shitty moods just because dad called, I’m tired of not being able to miss or love my little sister, I’m tired of having to say the same things over and over when it doesn’t make any difference every fucking year.

It’s the same guilt from mum every year as well. That I don’t appreciate her, that I’m out to side with dad, that I’m this massive fuck up who should do more for her and the house and that I treat her like crap and am therefore a horrible daughter. I don’t understand why she doesn’t see that its not about ‘choosing’ a parent, its about choosing to keep a relationship with my dad going. That its not about me not appreciating her or anything she does; if I didn’t appreciate her, if I was choosing dad over her, if I was so in dad’s corner all the time, WHY AM I STILL HERE?? How many years, how many trips have there been where we have gone over and come BACK? What about last summer when I came back? What about choosing not to go after christmas? What about telling her to her face that I came home for HER and have stayed in the country for HER?

It sucks that for years and years I have fought her corner and tried so hard to protect her and tried so hard to be on her side whilst still trying to maintain a relationship with my dad. It shouldn’t have needed to have been like that. Like this.

My dad is not perfect. He broke my mum’s heart and I think having to deal with that, the end of her marriage, raise his children with no support; that is so shit. I don’t even think I could have dealt with half that amount of pain and I think she’s amazing for that. But she’s made her pain our pain and thats not fair and all of this has had such a profound influence on what makes me, me and I really wish it hadn’t.

I wish she could, after all these years, just try and see it through my bro’s and mine eyes. Or at the very least, hear what we say instead of hearing what she perceives

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