Heres the thing. I’m not a one night stand girl. I’m not a go out to the club and pull girl. I don’t like being talked to like I’m a slag, I don’t like being treated as a used sex object. However, for the past few months and for many many more on the horizon I am not a relationship girl either. I am not ready for a relationship, I am not responsible enough for a relationship and I am not willing to let myself be part of something that can hurt me as much as a relationship can.
I am a romantic girl, a girl who can be seduced by small things like hand holding, laughter and friendship. I am a girl who likes to be treated with a bit of respect instead of pressure (TV guy, seriously he can go fuck himself, I will never make the mistake I made with him again).
What I am experiencing now is a sort of pseudo (pretend) boyfriend type. Hanging out, having a laugh, good conversations, being silly, seeing movies and a little more. Basically all the fun of a relationship without the hassles, commitment, arguements, boredom or responsibilities. Sometimes a little romance is thrown in (hand holding in the cinema, boot forts, spontaneous hill climbing) and thats a good thing because it makes me feel like its not just about the sex, its about spending time with me and I really do enjoy his company as well. So if once a week I get to hang out, have a laugh, spend time in his company and have a little intimacy, that is something that suits me just fine.
I didn’t really realise exactly how much I don’t want a full on relationship until he said to me that he didn’t want what were doing to stop me from finding something permanent with someone and the second he said that I swear my blood actually ran cold and that little voice started screaming no inside my head. No to losing myself to someone again, no to trying my goddamn best and having it thrown back at me again, no to putting my trust into someone only for it to be ruined again, no to loving someone who doesn’t deserve it again. It has taken 7 months to put myself back together again since ex mr chop which was made harder by him still chipping away at me so I am not going to be putting myself in the war zone again for a long long time, if ever. And to be honest I’ve been in a relationship since I was 15! I need to know who I am and have fun and live for a while.
I had a great time tonight and for a change I’m not feeling sad cause were not in a relationship, I’m not wishing that we were, I am just happy that I had a good night