Had one of those dreams last night that felt so real I woke up this morning convinced it had happened. Which is shit cause now I’m just feeling the full effect of how much I miss ex mr chop and so I get to spend today forcing it all back down again. Wicked. I just wish I could talk to him, the him he was before. I really do hope he doesn’t go without saying goodbye.

Was going through my files (keep getting a scary ‘your mac is full’ message) and of course got to the picture files. I think I’ve looked at the Alaska pictures twice cause I just can’t look at them and not be confused. They don’t look like forced happiness but I suppose they are and thats just something I can’t handle. But decided to look today, I feel like I’ve come a long way since he left and so thought it would be ok. It was and it wasn’t. They reinforced me missing him by a lot which was hard. But I could also laugh at them as well, him playing with lil sis, posing behind dad when fishing, kfc, bbq-ing a shit load of chicken (I wish he could have seen me bbq chicken, he’d have been proud!), catching the biggest damn fish in the lake, dads amazing boat driving skills ahahahahahahahaha that was jokes, moose antler toilet rolls holder, posing next to stuffed bears and moose. I wish we’d have gone on the glacier cruise, now those would have been some immense pictures. Well at least I know my happiness was genuine, I suppose thats what matters.

Fucking dreams


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