I don’t know how to put in to words what’s going on in my head right now; I’m not sure what role I’m supposed to be playing. I think I’m putting to much pressure on myself to make life changing decisions because I’m scared that I’m leaving it to late, even though I’m only 22! I think your 20’s are when you’re supposed to fuck up and figure your shit out but I’m so focused on years down the line that I feel like I’ve already failed! I keep thinking that I’ve become this weak scared person, people whose opinions meant a lot to me told me I am failing and I know, I know that I’m not perfect, I know I’ve been making mistakes. But even through all of this shit I’ve still been figuring myself out. Coming out the other side of all the crap that went down in the summer sort of reminds me of the strength I have, even if I have been barely surviving at least I have been, it would have been so easy to completely give up and go under. And I thought about it, more than once. But I am not that person. The thing is, it wasn’t just the break up that broke me, it was the things he said to me, it was the way it was my fault, it was being left in a place that wasn’t home and where I had no one. That is what fucked me over completely. I had to pull myself through it, I had to be the one to comfort me, I had to be the one to tell myself it would be ok. And I couldn’t because I was told that it was my fault and my problems and just me being me that once again fucked everything up. I fucked up with the ex ex and then fucked it up with ex mr chopper. I have never felt more of a failure in my life and that has been the hardest thing to get over. I’ve been blaming myself this whole time really, I have been a ghost of myself because of him and the shit that he put in my head and I am so pissed! I am Kate fucking Chaitoff, I do not let twats get inside my head, I don’t let anyone beat me down so why the fuck did I let him??
So fuck this. Fuck this attitude, its not mine. Fuck feeling lost. Fuck failing. Fuck people who are so scared of their own shit they put it on you instead of dealing with it themselves. Fuck being scared.
There is this company called SeeFilmFirst, they deal with new movies releases and previews. Often in heat they will sponsor free tickets to new movies that are coming out if you get to the website in time. Anyway, I got in touch to perhaps do some reviews for them seeing as I basically live at the cinema and need to start building a journalism portfolio and I was told that there is a film being previewed at the harbour lights on sunday and that I would be put on the guestlist and basically do a trial review for them. Which I think is pretty fucking cool really! I mean who knows, this could be the start of something really big for me