Cheeky Lad

😀 got to say, there is totally something about cheeky lad. Think that this will be the next ‘type’ that I’m going to go for. Seeing as I have now established that I don’t want a relationship I actually feel a lot more at ease about the whole going out and pulling thing. Before I would always go out with the thought well what’s the point, I’m not going to meet anyone with long term potential in a dark dirty club but now I’m not giving a shit its like I have a different air about me that people are picking up on. I know that I’m a relationship girl, there is nothing nicer than knowing that there is someone to come home to, someone to be a massive nerd with who will still love you anyway and all those other great couples things BUT, I’ve got so much shit going on that I don’t want to add a boyfriend to the mix. To be honest I could handle a boyfriend, I know how to make room for someone worthwhile in my life; I just don’t want to. I don’t want to give up my freedom and being able to stay in bed all day watching hollyoaks or eating what I want, or not having to shave my legs (aha) and all that good single shit.

Thank god, I think the cloud has lifted, feeling so much better! I was on such a massive low last week, it was dark and intense and horrible but I think I’m starting to come out of it now. Yaaay! Its really hard dealing with this whole depressed thing, most of the time I can totally ignore it, stick on a smile and I’m fine but sometimes there is just no hiding it and nothing will help except hiding in bed and having people around to cheer me up. So grateful to my people for keeping my head above water.

Depression is a weird thing. You feel like your whole soul is just….heavy. Its like this massive weight holding you down, everything seems so pointless and you do just want to vanish. I feel like I have to struggle through this really thick fog, you can’t see through it and you can’t feel anything around you. The only thing you can do is keep pushing forwards, holding out your arms and hands, trying to touch or reach anything around you. Even breathing takes a concentrated effort. So this is what I do, I fight, I push, I reach, I stumble, I use the images of the people I love as my goals until I come out the other side.

I feel better today

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