For the sake of my health, sanity, heart and karma I am walking away from the ex ex situation and ended the insanely fast paced TV guy situation.
After having a good chat with TV guy I went to his last night with an open mind, willing to give this one last chance. He’s a nice enough guy but there just isn’t anything there for me. He doesn’t banter, he doesn’t really make me laugh, I don’t feel that need to be affectionate or physical with him, he doesn’t understand me to be honest. And I don’t understand him. There is something about him that sort of worries me as well and his view on women is a bit appalling. I understand that guys will be guys and chat shit about girls ‘oh shes fit oh I would’ blah blah but its constant with him and constant in front of me. You don’t do that when you’re with someone that you’re trying to develop something with cause its a bit rude really. I told him and dropped many many hints that I DON’T want anything serious, that this ISN’T anything serious so when his housemate called me his girlfriend and Tv guy didn’t correct him or even look concerned I knew that he’d been telling people that I was his girlfriend and my heart stopped and I panicked and just wanted to leave the house but I couldn’t get hold of moo cause my phone was being shit, then hers ran out of battery and by the time her message of I’ll come rescue you came through it was to late and I somehow ended up being committed to staying at TV guy’s place. I literally changed in to my pajamas and went straight to sleep and then the minute my alarm went off (at 7.30am) I was straight up, got dressed and even though moo was going to come pick me up (to go to uni), even though it was freezing, even though I could have waited downstairs, I started walking to meet her. I just couldn’t be in that house any longer. So The frigging End.
I feel a bit sorry for any new guys that come in to my life, I keep comparing them to ex mr chopper because before him I had never found that instant banter before and someone who completely understood my sense of humour from the first moment. And that is something I really cherished and loved and is now apparently a requirement for any guy in my life. I guess it might be a bit unfair but that banter has become something really important to me and the thing that I’ve missed the most with him.
I have to admit, got a bit fucked last night and stupidly stupidly texted ex mr chopper (have now re-deleted his number so I won’t do it again), asking him to please take back the ‘I hope your life remains always shit’ comment. I am having such a hard time understanding exactly what I’ve done to hurt him so much that he would hate me enough to say that. I just don’t understand this change in him, moo and I were talking about it and she’s like me, she just doesn’t understand how he went from this amazing fun person to this horrible horrible guy.
And after everything, after that comment, after the whole ‘your life is shitty’, I still just want to understand. I still just want to have an actual conversation and get everything out there and just move on from it all. Its been months now and I still just wish I could stop letting him affect me so much. I just wish he could feel what I feel so that he could understand as well. But this is another thing I’m just letting go now, as much as I use to wish things could be different they never will. Someone who was actually worth my time and thoughts would never have said what he did. And I’m finished with it