What Am I doing?

What the fuck am I doing? I don’t even know. Are we friends? After everything I said? After everything he said? Am I walking in to something bad? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Are there feelings there? Or am I still hurting from mr ex chopper? I wouldn’t want mr ex chopper to know, I think cause I still love him. Oh Brian. Things would be so much simpler if you were still around. Everything would be different. I wish you had still cared about me as a friend, I know for a fact I wouldn’t be doing this if you had. Am I wanting to punish mr ex chopper? I don’t think so. I feel like I’m knowingly going in to something that is not going to end well but I can’t seem to stop myself. I feel like I’m just setting myself up to be hurt and made a fool of but I don’t care. I think so little of myself, I just don’t care what happens, I don’t care what I’m doing, I don’t care if I end up hurt. I don’t want to be used. I don’t want to be fucked. I want to be loved. I know I’m not worth anything, I know I’m unlovable but I just want to be held and know that I mean something. I’m looking to him for things we had years ago because I feel like its my only chance to at least have the pretense.

I miss those feelings. Love, care, protection, passion, friendship. Miss you.

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