……Oh

Saw the ex ex today. It was weird. I didn’t see him as Jay or her Jay. He was still my Jay. My Jay that I wanted to give a cuddle to, be closer to, be next to. He’s like me now, type 1. I think I’ve made it clear that if he needs any advice/help/someone like him to talk to that I’m available.

I’ve really missed him. A lot. It was so odd today, knowing I was going to see him put a smile on my face and a bounce in my step. I can’t still love him can I? I can’t still have feelings for him?

Oh for fuck sake I know I do. I always have done. I loved Brian a lot and that should never be questioned, he meant everything to me. But Jay….Jay was my first real love. I suppose you never get over that. I just need to remember that it wasn’t a perfect relationship, he wasn’t a perfect boyfriend, in fact he was pretty shit in a few areas. Just like I wasn’t great in some areas as well. Things just got so….hard. I was suffocating from all the bad things that were happening.

But I loved him. Fiercely, unequivocally and always. I wish things hadn’t gotten so messed up. I don’t want to be friends but I suppose I could give it a try.

Maybe.

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