Hear me

I just want to be heard. I just want to be told its ok. I don’t mean to cause any hurt or upset.

I’m not a bad person. I am not a selfish person. I’ve made mistakes and I haven’t always chosen the best path but I’ve tried. Why is it ok for other people to be fucked up but not me? Why is it ok for other people to be affected by things that have happened in their lives except me? I realise that its been in the past few years I’ve made the most mistakes but what about the other years? The other years and years I wasn’t making mistakes, the years that I carried so much weight with me. Even in the past few years, a lot of the mistakes I’ve made have been to benefit someone else. Selfish? I wish I had been thinking selfishly cause then I wouldn’t be in as much mess as I am. Selfish? I wouldn’t have fought the battles I have. Selfish? I wouldn’t have kept the secrets I have. Selfish? I’d have put myself first, not said things to make others happy, not let myself fall. Inconsiderate? Irresponsible? Always had things my way? Really? I not only consider everyone else’s feelings, I do it to the point of always putting everyone above myself. I would never do anything to hurt someone, I would never make other people make choices that would hurt them or harm others. I know what shes talking about, shes talking about summers and winters away, the fact I fought to make them happen. She thinks I did this to hurt her. This is why I get so angry at my brother, I’ve had to do all the fighting for things he wanted as well but because he doesn’t have a back bone, its looked like I’ve been forcing him to my decisions.

I don’t understand why it always has to come down to picking one parent over the other. Its never been anything to do with that. Its to do with the fact that me and my brother need our mum and our dad, not one or the other. Its not fair that weve always had to choose. Its never been about preferring one over the other, its never been about thinking one is better then the other. Its always been made to be a fucking competition when we just want to have both in our lives.

Of course as a single mum its been hard, harder because of lack of child support, harder because shes always loved him and not gotten over him. Yeah he hasn’t been the best dad in the world or the most supportive but he hasn’t been near the worst either. He lets us know he loves us, he lets us know that if we need him he will try his hardest. I know he hurt her but hes still our dad and I don’t want to have the same relationship with him that she had with her dad or even that he had with his dad. I’m not excusing his behavior, the cheating, the stubbornness and short temper which I’ve inherited, I’m just choosing to work at having a relationship and not be consumed by anger or bitterness. Just like mum has made mistakes as well but I don’t work at being angry at how she chose to cope with things, I choose to try and see her perspective and to get over it. Lack of communication is a big thing in our family. I do feel like I can’t rely on mum emotionally because she doesn’t believe in herself emotionally.

Shes a great mum but sometimes it can be really hard to open up to her. Especially when I try and its like she doesn’t believe me, bringing me back to why I seem to be the only person who isn’t supposed to be affected by things in the past or present. As all mums, she has the greatest ability to make me feel shit about myself and I know she would say the same about me. I just wish she could have a little perspective, I’ve never been a wild child, a drunk, a druggie, gotten pregnant, a chav, violent, abusive. I’ve never trashed the house, I’ve never called her names. I’ve tried protecting her from things I know would really hurt her, I’ve backed her up when my brother walked out, I’ve supported her even if it meant hurting my dad. I chose not to go to my dads wedding because I knew it would really hurt mum, even though I did want to go, just to support dad nothing else, I didn’t and it meant my brother didn’t and that still hurts dad to this day.

I’m not saying that these things make her a bad mum, at all! I’m just saying I wish she could see that I’m not a bad daughter either. And right now I’m just making a choice based on what I feel could be a really good move for me. She needs to realise I’m not doing this to hurt her. I’m doing it to save me so that I can be a better person, make better choices, be a better daughter for her, someone she can be proud of. I don’t want to be the burden and the bad person she thinks I am. I don’t want to be the failure I see myself as. This isn’t about her not being a good enough mum or supportive enough or that she hasn’t done enough. Its about the mistakes and choices I’ve made that have brought me here.

I just wish she could see that. I just wish she could say I support you, take this opportunity, use its full potential and come back the strong successful person we all know you are and can be. At the end of the day, whats it going to hurt to try?

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