The Truth

So, I’ve sort of seen that you’ve been going out quite a bit. Didn’t take you long. I am so mad that you get to go out, have a laugh and get over all of this while I’m still on hold waiting to come home finally.

I cried. When I saw you’ve been out having a laugh I cried because in my heart of hearts I want you to be as miserable as I am and in my heart of hearts I know that the truth is you’re not. I keep making myself mad at me, trying to explain your behaviour in a way that makes it seem like you miss me, ‘oh he’s going out but his picture looks really forced, he must actually be miserable inside really’, that kind of thing. But I know its not true! I keep telling myself its not fucking true, HE IS FINE! HE IS NOT UPSET! HE DOES NOT MISS ME! And even though I am screaming these things at myself its like its not sinking in, I would still rather to believe the lie! Even though it is the lie in the long run that is going to hurt me the most cause it gets my hopes up, I start daydreaming and I just fucking wish I wouldn’t!!! I WANT to get over you, I WANT to stop loving you cause YOU DON’T LOVE ME AND I GET THAT! I just wish my heart would.

What is the point in holding on when you don’t feel the same?? Why can my heart just not let go? This must be why everyone says time is the healer cause its the letting go that takes the most time, letting go of love, of hope, of pointless wishes. Like the airport, I know you’re not going to be there, I know things won’t be different when I get back, but until I don’t see your face as I come through the gate , until there are no messages waiting for me, until I have been back for a little while and you still don’t want anything to do with me, I won’t believe it. I will still think that maybe, just maybe these things will still happen, you will be there, you will have changed your mind and that you will still love me.

All because of my stupid heart.

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